Rain rain go away, Karyn wants to come out and play!

Am still having a bit of hangover from the vodka I had last night so I decided not visiting any places today but to just stay in for the rest of the day. Moreover the rain last night melted down the snow and made the road all slippery so it is a bit dangerous to be on the road. Yes the weather hasn’t been any good since I got here :(

First it was the snowstorm, and now I had to deal with the cold. Auntie said I forgotten to bring Malaysia sunshine over to the UK hehe

What have I done?

Wanting to sleep but I can't.
I hate it how the images of you appears everytime when I close my eyes.
I just want to get over this pain and get on with my life.

I don't think I ever asked much from you, have I?
I don't ask for diamonds, flowers and all that romantic shit.

Argh, yes yes I'm whining. Its my blog. I get to flood in with whatever nonsense I want...
and I want to whine.

I feel so lost.
I feel betrayed.
What have I ever done to you?

Terrified

So DC's back...
Spoke to him this morning (for the very first time after what happened 2 weeks ago).
However, the feelings is different now. I had to be very careful with every single word that's coming out from my mouth to avoid the second misunderstanding... *sigh*

Let-go. Move-on

It's hard I know, but I have to do it... it sucks that I have to go through this again and nobody can help me but MYSELF!

Sometimes I just wish to leave this place for good because everything in this place reminds me of him...

I need my lucky charms

As I thought everything went on well so I figured it's the right time for me to throw that question to DC. His answer was rather disappointing to me. He said if we are going to be in a relationship, it's going to be a tough one; claiming that I’m giving him a lot of pressures that he’s not earning enough money to be with me. I was like ‘bullshit! Where was that come from??!’ It was all lame excuses I can tell! Well I should have guessed the conclusion really... since he's just not serious almost about anything so what makes me think he is serious about me? Moreover, I never have luck in any relationship anyway. It's always either the timing problem or me meeting the wrong guy... somehow most guys I met just didn't measure up to my image of 'Mr. Right'. Because there was one man I can never forget...
RR used to made me feel like as though I'm the luckiest girl on earth, then he just crushed me into pieces and ignored me like I don't even worth a penny. And when I was about to give up, DC showed up in my life being someone who has potential. But it’s a ‘no exceptional’ case. I still couldn’t find any luck through him…

The Past

So... he did replied my email and I was glad that we're friends again. Or should I say, I was glad that he replied my email but I felt we're not really 'friends'.
Again, he left me half way hanging - unanswered...
I never heard any news from him since my last email to him.
The scenario I'm having right now is almost the same when the time we were together. I used to wait for him eagerly to speak to him online and whenever I go into my mailbox I was hoping to see his name in my inbox. This kind of feelings stopped awhile after we had broken off... but lately it came back again.
I'm kinda wondering what exactly running in his mind? At first, I tend to give myself all sorts of reason that could possibly relate to why I'm not hearing news from him. Could he be busy? Maybe he is not ready to talk to me yet? Or maybe he is just not up for the whole 'be friends' thingy, but don't want to be rude by saying no to me? Perhaps I can never change his perception... that 'ex-lover can never be friends'
Obviously I know he has moved on, he told me he met this girl and has been together for 2 years and half now. Well atleast he sounded like he's happier now :) To him, I'm only his past or could be worst - an intruder. Maybe with my existance again it may not be something good to him or his girlfriend either. I totally understand the rules of this game... two adults who used to be romantically in love with each other, broken off = game over. However, they both must move on = restart game, with another player.
Oh well, I still don't know whether the decision of writing to him in the first place was made correct or wrong. All I know is I did what I thought I'm supposed to do and whether it's right or wrong I've done it and there's just nothing like the 'un-do' button. I requested for a friendship and I thought I could change things better but I guess when harm's done, it's done. Sometimes in life there's just no 'take two'. Well maybe there is, but not everyone will be so lucky to get their second chance.
Perhaps the best I can do now is to leave him alone and hoping the best for his future undertaking?

今天，我再次去他的博客。。。
看到他和他的女朋友在一起的和照，心有一点酸酸的感觉。
我答应过我之际，我不可以再傻想了。我和他是不可能的。
我只好要接受他是我的过去。
所以，从这一秒开始， 我会停止上他的博客!

The Beginning

Ah assignments is driving me nuts! Having so many sleepless nights already thinking about all the deadlines. Building Construction, Floor Plan & Elevation, History of ID, Eviroment Studies... gosh! This is just the beginning, will it be worst when comes to year 2???
The stress is incomparable with tour leading. Now, seeing my fellow tour mates get to go on tour every now and then, getting paid, made me miss tour leading so terribly bad. Sometimes I feel so left out having a conversation with them :(
Can't wait for December to arrive =) Can't wait to go to UK yay! Seeing my e-ticket everytime gives me the motivation to push harder on my assignments LOL

Hmmmmm holidaysssssss =)))

沒那麼簡單

最近我经常听黃小琥的沒那麼簡單。 我觉得这首歌的歌词很有意义。 她似乎是唱着我和他的故事。。。 每一次我听到这首歌我都会想起他。。。 想起我们在一起的时候。。。 想起他这么让我变成这世界最幸福的女人。。。当我终于看到这一切只不过是过去， 我的心真的很痛。我曾经拥有一个非常幸福的爱情。。。 一份让我很幸福的感情但是我不只是没有好好的珍视， 我还亲手把这段感情杀掉。。。要爱一个人和要找到一个真的爱自己的人真的那么难吗？

Life's too short

I finally decided to write to RR today. I don't know what is happening to me but things that revolve around me lately seem to remind me of him so I decided to pen him… It has been 3 years now and I wonder how have he been.

I ended up writing him a long email, which I don't even know he's going to read it or not. Even if he reads it, he might choose not to reply me.
Maybe he got settled down with a wonderful life, a wonderful girlfriend or even wife, and children? Maybe he already had forgotten about me…
It took whole lots of gut to write him again. I don't know whether I made the right decision or not. Maybe he's going to think I'm pathetic or maybe worst, but I feel so much relieved now. No matter what he's going to think, just let it be :)
I don't expect by writing to him seeking his forgiven or sympathy, but I just thought that this guy... he's a great guy and I don't wish to lose a friend like him. Although we can't be lover, but I had always believed, it's faith that brought us together, it's faith that got us connected for 2 years, it must have meant something!. It's not easy to have 2 strangers from million miles away to meet... we have gone through a lot. Having him in my life was the greatest achievement I ever had. I don't know when can I meet another great guy like him. I know I will always be shadowed by him and that's sad. Maybe it's a punishment for what I’ve done... I don't know! It's just my fate!

"Life's too short", that's what he always said so why waste it?