Sunday, July 24, 2011
Amy Winehouse
What? Amy Winehouse is dead?! Right, who cares if she's dead or not. Well, I wish I'm dead too :p
Friday, July 22, 2011
My questions has been answered
So I was curious to see his new photos he just uploaded. He was in Taiwan, with the same girl I saw him on pictures four years ago. Can't deny it breaks my heart a bit looking at those pictures, it just wasn't easy looking at them... I tried to glance just as fast as I could, hoping that my uneasy feeling ended as soon as possible. But my curiosity couldn't end just there. From album to album, picture to pictures I clicked... till I reach to the moment of ugly truth.
All these while I blamed myself for causing our break-up. I blamed myself for letting him walkaway. I blamed myself for not compromised enough when we're together. I was immature back then.
I never want to analyze further why did he walkaway irresponsibly, I tend to give myself all sorts of excuses so that I will not hate him, I tend to give myself assumptions that he got his reason for leaving, a good reason... But not until I saw those pictures. I finally understand the reason why he left. No matter how hard I tried to save our relationship, no matter how much I've done for him and no matter how much I tried to change myself to be a better person, he will eventually leave. Simply because I'm not the only one he claimed to be in love with...
The day he left, I was feeling from horrible to miserable. I couldn't even dare to stay awake. I stayed in my room, lying infront of my computer doing nothing but hoping to see him online. And when he finally came online, he ignored me, that hit me just as painful as a knife cutting through my chest. I could just stop breathing.
I couldn't believe of all the miseries I'm dealing with, he was there in the club having a good time. Then, left to Cambodia and Taiwan as though he has never known me.
I keep asking myself right now, how can I never see that? How can I be so blind?? Everybody told me that our relationship is impossible to work, they discourage me from falling so deep, but I choose to have faith in him just to prove them wrong. I used to believed that we were brought together for a reason - the stars aligned. And so I believed everything he ever told me. I even believed he told me that he don't have a cellphone! Who on earth that don't own a cellphone (except for my mother! ughh!) Why I was so stupid back then?? I put my biggest bet on this guy, but he let me down. Honestly, I never blamed him for walking away, because I know I wasn't being the best when we're together. I was too insecure, demanding and needy. I wanted him to be deeply in love with me and eventually move to Quebec, settle down with him! But I was so wrong about him! When I look back now, putting back all the missing puzzles, I finally get the real picture.
When I proceeded to his Philippines album... my feeling get uglier and uglier. There, I saw him with this Pinoy girl, them on a beach vacation, I was like.. I can't believe what my eyes were looking at... it reminds me of our moment together in Tioman back in 2006 - same venue, same guy, same feeling, just different asian girl. I was so much disgusted. Disgusted for falling for someone I thought he's one in a million, but it turns out he's a womanizer? I feel angry but at the same time I felt pity for that girl. It was like looking into the mirror of my past, that she actually know nothing about his true color. How many asian girl has fell for this guy and has their heart broken... I asked.
All these while I blamed myself for causing our break-up. I blamed myself for letting him walkaway. I blamed myself for not compromised enough when we're together. I was immature back then.
I never want to analyze further why did he walkaway irresponsibly, I tend to give myself all sorts of excuses so that I will not hate him, I tend to give myself assumptions that he got his reason for leaving, a good reason... But not until I saw those pictures. I finally understand the reason why he left. No matter how hard I tried to save our relationship, no matter how much I've done for him and no matter how much I tried to change myself to be a better person, he will eventually leave. Simply because I'm not the only one he claimed to be in love with...
The day he left, I was feeling from horrible to miserable. I couldn't even dare to stay awake. I stayed in my room, lying infront of my computer doing nothing but hoping to see him online. And when he finally came online, he ignored me, that hit me just as painful as a knife cutting through my chest. I could just stop breathing.
I couldn't believe of all the miseries I'm dealing with, he was there in the club having a good time. Then, left to Cambodia and Taiwan as though he has never known me.
I keep asking myself right now, how can I never see that? How can I be so blind?? Everybody told me that our relationship is impossible to work, they discourage me from falling so deep, but I choose to have faith in him just to prove them wrong. I used to believed that we were brought together for a reason - the stars aligned. And so I believed everything he ever told me. I even believed he told me that he don't have a cellphone! Who on earth that don't own a cellphone (except for my mother! ughh!) Why I was so stupid back then?? I put my biggest bet on this guy, but he let me down. Honestly, I never blamed him for walking away, because I know I wasn't being the best when we're together. I was too insecure, demanding and needy. I wanted him to be deeply in love with me and eventually move to Quebec, settle down with him! But I was so wrong about him! When I look back now, putting back all the missing puzzles, I finally get the real picture.
When I proceeded to his Philippines album... my feeling get uglier and uglier. There, I saw him with this Pinoy girl, them on a beach vacation, I was like.. I can't believe what my eyes were looking at... it reminds me of our moment together in Tioman back in 2006 - same venue, same guy, same feeling, just different asian girl. I was so much disgusted. Disgusted for falling for someone I thought he's one in a million, but it turns out he's a womanizer? I feel angry but at the same time I felt pity for that girl. It was like looking into the mirror of my past, that she actually know nothing about his true color. How many asian girl has fell for this guy and has their heart broken... I asked.
Friday, July 8, 2011
I need a break!
Feeling so so so so stressed lately. The Malaysia Furniture Design Competition is stressing me out mainly. The level of creative thinking everyday is melting my brain. *Argghhh!*
And I can't stop thinking about all my assignments, I'm tired. I'm so worn out. My thoughts are just running in circles.
Last week, I only got to sleep 4 hours max a day. Its quite depressing. Endless group meetings, assignments and so on...
Was just looking at FB and saw almost everyone of my friends going out and having fun. Am I missing out? :( *Sigh* when I do go out, the thought of regret will be constantly playing in my head. Reminding me that I do not deserve to have fun.
I guess its my own fault for choosing to go back to college again. Oh well, I have no regrets for taking Interior Design as my 2nd degree but I do wish to have sometime to just go out and chill every now and then.
I hope this week will be better as I have some exciting plans to pamper myself for a bit :)
And I can't stop thinking about all my assignments, I'm tired. I'm so worn out. My thoughts are just running in circles.
Last week, I only got to sleep 4 hours max a day. Its quite depressing. Endless group meetings, assignments and so on...
Was just looking at FB and saw almost everyone of my friends going out and having fun. Am I missing out? :( *Sigh* when I do go out, the thought of regret will be constantly playing in my head. Reminding me that I do not deserve to have fun.
I guess its my own fault for choosing to go back to college again. Oh well, I have no regrets for taking Interior Design as my 2nd degree but I do wish to have sometime to just go out and chill every now and then.
I hope this week will be better as I have some exciting plans to pamper myself for a bit :)
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